My son recently told me that the best thing I ever shared with him is that we have some sway over our emotions.

We are not victims of every thought or feeling that comes our way- we can over time and with practice shape our minds through neuroplasticity. Something well understood by yogis and integral to the yoga path.

As the mum to a kid who has various diagnosis such as ADHD/ autism (to me these are not super powers but nor are they disabilities- they just are!). Nonetheless they also involve a nervous system which can be dysregulated easily and life can feel like an emotional roller coaster. Something I think is common to pretty much all of us drawn to yoga! So I was so happy and grateful to hear that the yoga teachings had found their way to my son. 

Sometimes just hearing about "gratitude" or "contentment" annoys me! But I think there are ways we can work with these so they are real and powerful forces, for living a life that accommodates discomfort more easily.

Let's start with Thich Nhat Hanh who has such a wonderful way to describe this.

I practiced at his retreat centre in France as a 20-something. It was HARD. Everyone seemed to serene, but I also learnt a lot about starting to be kinder to myself, at a time when I was blaming myself for everything- even the childhood sexual abuse I had experienced. This is a practice I have also take on after this fantastic teacher- 

“I do not wait until there is joy in me to smile, joy will come later. Sometimes when I am alone in my room in the dark, I practice smiling to myself. I do this to be kind to myself, to take good care of myself, to love myself. I know that if I cannot take care of myself, I cannot take care of anyone else.

Being compassionate to yourself is a very important practice. When you are tired, angry or in despair, you should know how to get back to yourself and take care of your tiredness, your anger and your despair. That is why we practice smiling, mindful walking and breathing and mindful eating.

Vasana is the Sanskrit word for habit energy. Every one of us has habit energies that push us to say and do things we don't want to say or do. These habit energies damage us and our relationships to other people.”

― Thich Nhat Hanh,  Be Free Where You Are

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This seemingly simple quote reflects a massive mind shift that relates to the yogic concept of an eternal self within us, who is able to see the chaos is life as only one side of reality. On the other side is the constant, consistent state of steadiness and ease!

A practice of Unhooking- A trauma sensitive guide to the practice of gratitude

I have come up with this term "unhooking" because my personal experience of trauma is like a tower, where one wobbly, frightening thing gets layered upon a past experience. So the whole structure with its shaky foundations, feels like it might come tumbling down at any moment. 

Instead of assuming "this" shit happened because "that shit" already happened, I try to separate each element, into a normal looking life! If I assume chaos is strewn through my life because of my past it prevents me from seeing the order or to be present here and now.  

Even when things are not ideal in the classic way- my son refuses college, or a student complains, or I feel like a failure in relationships. I unhook one issue from the others. Instead of thinking "I have shit relationships because I was abused as a kid and I never had a chance to get it right". I think "Things in my relationship feel hard right now. No-one has the perfect relationship. Everyone struggles, even if I am single, that is a success in its own right- because I am owning what I need." Instead of feeding the "I am broken" story, I pause to reframe.

Often a student feels "a" is linked to "b"- e.g.I have tight hips- because "that" happened. Maybe- maybe not! Is it helpful to think like that or not? Does the thought serve you? Remember in yoga teaching, Patanjali sutra 2.33- we can switch up our thinking- we can turn things around. Switch a negative thought for a more nurturing one.

2.33 When unhelpful thoughts and emotions arise cultivate uplifting thoughts and emotions (pratipaksha bhavana).

Another way I sometimes think about this is like those amazing sweaters (that are probably very un-ecofriendly) where the sequins can be pushed one way or the other. Instead of seeing "my son has left and gone to live with his dad because I failed him" here the sequins show a sad face :( I push the sequins into the happy face and I think. "Wow. My son is finding independence, he left his Bristol home to go live 3 hours away, he must be feeling so confident. How amazing- I must have had a part in that." :)

Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. But usually truth is a variable feast- it depends where we are standing. So tell your story in your words. 

You get to tell your own story in your words, my friends. It is your story. 

A daily Practice of Gratitude What does this look like on the day to day? 

I integrate the practice of gratitude into my day in really little ways- this means it feels real and manageable and doable. Unless we train the mind to be content- we never are! Practicing gratitude is central to this. Here is how I include it in my day- even when it's a busy one. 

On waking

A minute to simply pause. I love this poem and I usually repeat it on waking, or on the way to work failing that! It's not a yoga poem but the leaping greenly trees get me!

ee Cummings poem "I thank you God"

"i thank You God for this amazing"

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any—lifted from the no
of all nothing—human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

E. E. Cummings

Smell the Coffee!

Pause to notice the smell of coffee or anything (chocolate works well!!) before the taste- the sense of smell in tantra thinking relates to the root chakra & there is a wonderful ceremony called nasa puja where we invoke the power of all the senses! Just appreciating t he sexual nature of our reality can be a wonderful thing to do, excuse with all this matter also comes discomfort- let's balance it out! It also awakens a sense of joy in the simple things.

If you think about it it's the little things that make up most of our lives. 

A moment to notice

The formal asana practice/ pranayama/meditation gives time for this. But we can also take: 10 seconds to actually SEE a flower, a child, a stone. In the city- look up to the sky/ notice light on buildings/ through windows/ architecture. This is often before or after work.

On Social media

This is hard because the mind starts to grab for more. BUT after a funny tiktok/ reel or a moment of connection- pause after the laughter and notice it makes you feel joyous! Or even if it's after 3 hours of scrolling try to reframe with a sense of appreciation of all we see. 

Cuddle time

Animals/ Kids/ self/ partner- notice the texture of love. A moment of gratitude for this.

Shower/ Bath 

Appreciating warm water- or cold is another way to add a few minutes of appreciation into the every day (well most days, my neurodiverse friends who find a weekly shower in winter enough!).

In bed in the evening

5 minutes to appreciate- a gentle in bed stretch or the cool sheets or a recall of a good moment of the day.

Look forward to 

One thing I am not good at but try to do more is to plan and then look forward to something.

A day to reset

Take one day a week to soften/ pause/ explore and appreciate. This can be hard for yoga teachers & self employed- so remember to switch off.

Shifting grief

Please do not assume I am suggesting you are grieving too much. But its also good to remember and appreciate how good it was to have loved. I learnt this one a year or so after my dad died- I had to find a way to move from the disturbing grief into something more gentle. So I started to add into the sad reminiscing gratitude for the happiness and the pleasure there had been. 

Don't wait until everything is perfect before you let yourself feel content.

Conclusion

When we grapple with the complex concepts in yoga- like contentment as a basis for life, we need to see them within a broader framework. We are not "happy" and "positive" because we choose to be, because our life is good. We practice contentment and it is hard, and sometimes we struggle. Sometimes there's too much rage or sorrow to see past. But we continue to practice moments of contentment, and it becomes easier. I think of it as making the container for grief or sorrow or rage bigger. And finding space to appreciate the little things so there is a beautiful contrast. Rather than trying to overcome the sorrow learning to live with it and expand it's good friend- joy! 

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If these words resonate for you might love the yoga hub, my online class platform full of creative and trauma sensitive classes & talks. 5 days free here. 

All proceeds in Sept. are going to help bring families out of Gaza in need of medical assistance.